I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
