it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
