If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
