is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
