Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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