guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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