I accidentally had phone sex last night
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
