where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
