You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
