I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
