If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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