My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My vagina is officially offended.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
