Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
