you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
