I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
