Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
