i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
