In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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