If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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