omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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