Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
