So drunk its hurt
this beer tastes like vomit already
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
