I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
