if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
