I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I know her cup size but not her name....
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