Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
