Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
