I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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