So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
