I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
