if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
PANTIES FOUND
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