I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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