There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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