After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
