Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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