I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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