I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
