every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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