he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
