just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
