Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
