My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
