hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
