Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
