Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
