wanna go halves on a baby?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
