you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
