how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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