I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
