New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
