last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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