She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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