I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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