Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
