Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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