Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize