I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
