So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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