I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
