I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
being pregnant is like rehab
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
