You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
