I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She needs sedatives and a leash
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
