I wish I could teleport
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
