I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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