So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
