I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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